The Wedding Planner

This day was nearly three years in the making. Here's how we pulled it off.

***

When I describe our first wedding, I never refer to it as an elopement, despite that being the very definition of what it was. That word always had such a shady connotation, as if you were somehow cheating yourself and others of the grand celebration that is required for such a momentous occasion. Firstly, getting married is not an accomplishment so everyone just needs to calm down about this being the most important day of your life, and secondly, the whole wedding industry is a giant racket. You want me to spend how much for five short hours of my life?? You're joking. How do I reconcile my frugal feminist spirit with my deep-seated compulsion to adhere to antiquated social norms? We eloped and caved in for a big party, mostly due to pressure from our parents, anyway.

But Nicole! It's your wedding day!
Nope. We already got married. This is their day. And I'm okay with that.

***

I am fairly organized so the idea of planning a wedding was not intimidating, especially since we had so long to do it. Every now and then, it was actually kind of nice to think about what a fun day we were going to have with all the people that we like the most. Guess who was NOT thrilled about planning our wedding. Hint: It's Jason.

They say, "If you can make it through the wedding planning process, then you can make it through anything." I used to scoff at this, imagining ourselves to be above such pettiness. We have planned week-long holidays for our friends and families on multiple occasions so we know that we make a good team. We have traveled the world together without much issue at all. Why would a wedding be any different?

It would probably be easier to list things that we didn't fight about in the process but I am going to spare you all the gory details and say that it was a challenge. I never realized how much I hated the phrase "I don't care" until recently. I understand if you don't have particular feelings one way or the other about seemingly insignificant details but if you say you don't care and then turn around and have something nasty to say about a decision I made, I am going to hurt you.

ProTip 1: Assign roles at the beginning and then trust that your partner will do a good job with whatever that task is. Only ask for their opinion if you really want it, not when you have already made a choice and you're expecting them to confirm it. If you really do want them to help you make up your mind on a particular issue and you are leaning one way or another, establish that you will listen to their feedback but that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to take their advice in the end.

I relied pretty heavily on Offbeat Bride and The Knot to help me stay on track. The Knot is basically everything I hate about weddings (making you feel shitty about your DIY decorations, convincing you that it's totally normal to spend $30K on one day, making everything an advertisement) but they had some really great organizational tools. The website builder is free and easy to use. The budget tracker gave you suggestions but allowed you to adjust them according to your needs. The planning checklist had great tips and reminders about things I totally would have forgotten about. And by far the most useful tool was the guest list feature. You have names, addresses, RSVP/ gift/thank you note status, meal preference all in one place AND a really nice seating chart application that allowed you to recreate your venue space and drag and drop your guests at tables, no complicated Post-it Notes madness needed.

*UPDATE: The Knot has since changed a lot of these tools and they are way less user friendly now. No more seating chart (but the guest list is still there), the budgeter is worthless and I don't love what they have done with the checklist. Sorry, guys.

ProTip 2: Technology is your friend. We saved a bunch of money by doing e-mail save the dates. No one needs another magnet with your face on it. Create a cloud-based shared folder for all things wedding and invite all the necessary parties (spouse to be, parents, wedding planner, etc.) We used Dropbox and it was a real life saver. Google Drive works great, too. Since we didn't want to have a bunch of physical stuff to take back to France with us, we registered at Zola. Our guests were able to contribute to different "wishes," like plane tickets home for Christmas and new home furnishings that we could then go and buy ourselves in Bordeaux. It seemed a lot nicer than just saying, "cash gifts only."

All of our big decisions had been made a long time again so in the last two months, all we had were little details to worry about. Once you have the RSVPs in hand, everything happens very quickly. You know how many tables you need so you can start doing the seating chart and getting centerpieces. The food, booze and dessert are all determined by the number of people that end up attending, as are favors, place cards and programs (if necessary).

ProTip 3: Close friends and families like to feel like they're helping. Relinquish control and find them something to do. We made place cards with Jason's family and the favors with mine and everyone was so proud to see the fruits of their labor on the big day.

Stuff for the tables. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Place cards. Thanks, Julie and Jackie!

I am an obsessive planner. I need a To-Do list with each item scheduled to the minute or I can't get anything done. If I get a little of schedule, it's okay, but having the structure is comforting to me. And I figured if I feel happy knowing exactly where I need to be and when, so will everyone else around me. Enter the wedding weekend itinerary. I had a detailed document with each event, times, the parties involved, contact information, what to bring, transportation suggestions, who was responsible for certain tasks... The whole works. It was immensely helpful. I printed copies and distributed them to all the necessary parties. I had scheduled salon appoints for my bridal party, our moms and Jason's sisters, and their stylists all had their pictures and beauty requests before they even met them so they could prepare as much as possible before the big day. Because that's how I roll.

ProTip 4: Don't feel locked in by a traditional wedding format. There are no rules to any of this. There are a lot of hot trends right now, many of which are huge money pits, but there is no reason you should feel obligated to do any of it if you don't want to. If your guests really are the most important people in your life, they are not going to give any shits if you don't have a program or giant floral centerpieces, or a signature cocktail. Welcome bags at the hotel seem like such a nice touch but when the hotel charges $12 a piece just to put them in the rooms, they start to look a lot less cute. Your guests are there to see you and to have a good time. All the rest is extra.

Since we're already married we asked my Uncle Craig to officiate the ceremony, no ordination necessary! I got a lot of inspiration here, here, and here but in the end, I trusted him to just say some nice things about us and share some personal anecdotes about the keys of a good marriage. We enlisted our siblings to do some readings that we both agreed on and we exchanged wedding bands. Doubly married!

ProTip 5: Do whatever you can to maximize time with your guests. Do pictures before the ceremony so you can get right to the party afterward. Doing rounds at tables was surprisingly difficult and time consuming. Everyone wants to see you and talk to you and ask you a million questions but you have to be diligent about moving on. We didn't get to every table because we spent too much time at some and I felt terrible about it.

ProTip 6: Have a designated drink runner. I don't think I made it back to the bar once the entire night and I would have died of thirst if Josh and Stefanie hadn't been keeping me well hydrated. Thanks, guys!

ProTip 7: Consider not just how you're getting everything to the wedding but also how you're taking it back at the end of the night. ArtisanWorks said they could keep things over the weekend but they weren't open on Sunday so if we wanted anything for the picnic the next day (leftover booze, for example) we needed to take it with us at the end of the night. This was a bit of a mess for us and we should have assigned spots in cars for things before we started drinking... Oops! I had to go back and grab a bunch of stuff on Monday when all I wanted to be doing was sleeping.

ProTip 8: If you've got a lot of dress, make sure at least a few people know how to bustle it or be able to explain it to someone. My mom was the only one who got the tutorial from the seamstress and I didn't even get to see it because I was busy wearing the dress. When it started to fall out, I was pretty useless to get it back in order. I didn't want to keep harassing her all night to come fix it and other friends offered but no one could really figure it out. I ended up carrying my train a lot. Also, think about peeing. Being a pretty pretty princess is all fun and games until you have to take a piss and half your dress ends up in the toilet and/or covered in urine.

ProTip 9: I had planned so aggressively leading up to the big day that I had nothing to worry about once it arrived. Less so for Jason, but that's okay. It all worked out in the end. Know that something will go wrong but don't let it get to you. We forgot to bring toys to give to the babysitter. I left my mini video camera batteries in the charger at the salon so we didn't have that to pass around all night. We had several no shows that we really thought were going to be there. It happens. Worry about you and your spouse having a good time and then, by default, everyone else will be happy, too.

ProTip 10: Look around you for a second. This is maybe the only time you will have all of these people in the same place at the same time. Enjoy it. They are the people you love the most in the whole world and they are all here for you and that's really awesome. Look at your spouse. Is he/she still breathing? Good. Are you? Great. Take it all in. Don't let the little moments slip away too fast.

It's your day, after all.

Confession

I'm terrible at keeping secrets, especially big ones, so I have to come clean about something:

Jason and I are married.

In fact, we've been married for over a year. Over the holidays, we decided to confess to our family and friends back home, who had no idea, and since I can't tell everyone in person, I guess this is the best I can do for now.

You're probably wondering how and why we would get married and not tell anyone, even our parents, for a whole year. That's fair. Here's the story. (This was originally much longer but if you want the director's cut, call me. I am happy to tell you all the gory details!)

After a couple months in France, it seemed like life really would be easier as a married couple so I pitched the idea to Jason in December 2012, right before I was was coming home for the break. He was more or less in agreement, and even though it was just the formality before our big wedding post-France, we wanted to invite our parents. There didn't seem to be a good day/location that was mutually convenient and both my mom and Jason's dad insisted that more people should be invited so it seemed that we weren't going to do it after all. DISAPPOINTED.

I was flying out of Baltimore on Saturday, January 5, and that Wednesday, Jason and I were heading back from the airport where I was trying to get my flight changed. We were chatting about the whole wedding thing again and I finally said, "I think we should just do it. No parents, no siblings, we don't tell anyone. We just go and do it. Just the two of us." So instead of going to the mall, we rushed to the courthouse in the 10 minutes before they were closing and applied for our marriage certificate. In Maryland, you have to wait 48 hours after you get your certificate to have the ceremony. Since the courthouse was only open on weekdays, it was literally now or never. We chose now.

On Friday, January 4, 2013 at 10am, I got out my little white dress (that my mother cajoled me into buying three months before we were even engaged), Jason put on a suit and we rolled over to the courthouse in the Green Lantern. We got Paul, Ama and Chuck, the people most responsible for our relationship (and most available to get off work in the morning), to be our witnesses. Ama even went so far as to put together some flowers so the guys could have boutonnieres and I could have a bouquet. It was all over in about 10 minutes (15 if you count posing for a few pictures, which are still on Ama's camera somewhere) and we went out for lunch at AleWife afterward. There was even champagne!

That night was officially billed as my goodbye party but it secretly doubled as our wedding reception with all of our closest Baltimore buddies, unknowingly celebrating our marriage. GOTCHA!

There were no limos, no matching dresses, no linens, no speeches, no favors, no cake and it was perfect. It was just us and our love and our commitment to each other. We didn't have to worry about accommodating anyone else. We did exactly what we wanted and what was best for us and I am so glad we decided to just go for it.

So now you know. I hope you're not mad. (Josh was a little mad.) Everyone else has been really cool about it and they are mostly just happy that we're happy, which is nice.

Why did we wait so long to confess? Many reasons, the main ones being 1) we weren't going to say anything until our big wedding but it was becoming harder to keep it a secret and I didn't want to have to lie to anyone, 2) we didn't know how people (our families, mostly) would react after not being there for it and 3) we really wanted to tell everyone in person. The first time we were both back in the US in the same place at the same time was this past holiday season.

How I am allowed to live in France without my own visa? Married couples get special privileges and I am basically Jason's +1 for the length of his contract. Our recent trip to Paris? It was to celebrate our first anniversary, which is probably why the guy at the hotel was so nice to us and we got free champagne at the restaurant. It all makes sense now!

Moral of the story: If you're moving to another country with your fiancé(e), just get secretly married before you go. Life is better together.

I Think I Wanna Marry You

In France, August means vacation. The trams and buses run less frequently and it's nearly impossible to get any type of administrative task accomplished. Independent stores and restaurants, which account for most of the businesses in France, are only open at random hours or, as is often the case, not at all. Even though it's the tourist season, business owners feel so strongly about taking their vacations that they sacrifice potentially huge profits for a month of doing nothing at the beach. August is a time to relax.

That is unless you're planning or performing a wedding.

Planning
Remember that time when Jason and I got engaged? Typically, that means that sometime in the relatively near future there will be some sort of wedding that needs to take place. We had toyed with doing an informal "paperwork" ceremony with just our parents but there were some differences in opinion and logistical issues that made us reconsider. But then again, as your average American girl, I do want the big white dress and a fancy party where everyone tells me how pretty I am all day so I guess that's what we're doing!

Shockingly, (When will they invent a sarcasm font???) Jason doesn't really care about having a wedding and has left the lion's share of the planning up to me. I am 100% okay with this. I know he doesn't care about the color of the linens or the font on the stationery so why would I even include him in those decisions? He has, however, waived all complaining and "I told you so" rights in the event that he is displeased with a decision I have made. I might have to get that in writing...

Seeing as I live in France, I have left the lion's share of my lion's share of the planning up to my mother. She has graciously offered to put on this event for us and is in a much better position to make it happen. I am doing the best I can from France, but I also understand that I am only going to be in the United States three more times before our proposed date of September 19th, 2015. A lot of the ground work will fall on her shoulders and the team of aunts/cousins/friends I know she has already assembled.

Lucky for us, we have plenty of time to work with and I already have some ideas about what this day will look like. I did some research online about venues in Rochester (there are a few too many confederate flags still flying in Waynesboro for me to feel comfortable putting on a multiracial wedding there) and narrowed it down to five places I thought might fit for us. This was how I spent my week in Rochester.

What I learned from our venue shopping experience is that I need to get into the wedding business because I would be filthy rich. $1000 to stand on your patio for 20 minutes? I just can't. $350 cake cutting fee? I will cut it my damn self. $5000 just to use the space, not even including tables, chairs or something to eat? That is unreal. We saw a lot of really nice places but when it was all said and done, there were only two that fit our budget and seemed like places I would actually like to spend a few hours with 130 or so of my closest friends and family members: ARTISANworks and the Rochester Museum and Science Center. They both have their pros and cons (including BYOB at Artisan Works and our ceremony complete with star show in the planetarium at the RMSC) so I am going to bring Jason to them both in December when we're back in town and get his opinion. Once that's out of the way, the real fun begins! And by fun I mean stress and annoying details that even I don't care about. Take it away, Mom.

Not all of my time at home was consumed by wedding stuff. I spent an evening hanging out with my old high school pals, Shelley and Erin, which was really delightful. I also caught up with my long-time friend, Lisa, who is pretty much my hero and, despite being eight months her senior, I want to be her when I grow up. She is also an amazing photographer and has already agreed to shoot our wedding. Bam! Check that off the list.

I also got to see some other members of my family while I was in town. We went out to breakfast with my niece, Zoe, before going to see my younger brother, Josh, who recently bought a house with his girlfriend, Stefanie. It's freaking beautiful and I am so proud (jealous?) of them. I also dropped in to see my older brother, Patrick, at his place in Buffalo. I was amazed by his French skills, especially since he hasn't spoken it since high school, which was 15 years ago for him. I am more and more convinced that his brain operates on a completely different level than the rest of our's. Take that as you will.

As I was packing up for part two of my "vacation," I felt a little overwhelmed by the whole process of wedding planning, but at least I was heading in the right direction. We're going to make it work!

Performing

A few weeks before Jason and I got engaged, our very dear friends, Paul and Ama beat us to the punch. These two are pretty much the reason we're even together so we owe them a huge debt of gratitude so when they picked Jason to be the best man and later asked if I would officiate their ceremony, we certainly couldn't say no. All the cool kids are getting ordained these days so I Googled it and 15 minutes later, I was a minister!

I flew from Rochester to Detroit, where my former co-worker, Sarah, came to scoop me up at the airport. I cried when I saw her. When you love someone as much as I love this girl, it's hard to not cry when you haven't seen them in a year. We hugged it out for at least 20 minutes while waiting for my bag and then we got Jason from the international terminal. We checked out downtown Detroit (which was surprisingly nice and I would like to publicly apologize for talking so much shit about it) got dinner at a BBQ place, and went for fancy cocktails across the street. I wish we could have stayed longer but duty calls and the next day, Paul and Ama came to pick us up and take us to Grand Rapids so we could start getting ready for their wedding.

As the best man and the officiant, Jason and I had our work cut out for us. We stuffed gift bags, assembled favors, ran errands, schmoozed with family members, and, most importantly, practiced our speeches for the big day. Have you ever tried to write a wedding ceremony? It seems like it would be pretty easy at first glance but then you realize this is the one time of the day when everyone is completely sober and paying attention to YOU. No pressure. Paul, Ama and I spent many hours coming up with just the right words and in the end, I think we pulled off a really lovely ceremony. Paul's parents are pretty religious and even they were happy with it, despite not being held in a church with a real religious figure. Gold star for me!

The day was certainly not without its hiccups. Ama's sister/maid of honor was throwing a violent tantrum just as Ama was putting on her wedding dress, which made for a really shitty way to start the day, but I guess they worked it out because they were hugging it out and taking a million pictures together a few hours later. We were running behind schedule for pictures because hair and make-up took longer than expected and when it was time for family shots, there were some grandmother-of-the-bride corsages that somehow didn't make it to the reception site. Once the booze started flowing, however, everyone calmed down and enjoyed the evening. It was a beautiful wedding and I can't begin to explain how honored I felt to play a role in their future together.

I might need to take my act on the road. I am still job searching in Bordeaux and it seems like I could make a sack of money performing wedding ceremonies, especially for Americans having destination weddings here. Not sure about the legal aspects but I am so ready to get a slice of that wedding business pie! In all seriousness, though, I can't think of a better gift to give a friend than a really meaningful, personal wedding ceremony. It was awesome.

After the wedding, we went up to Lake Michigan for a couple nights of camping with the newlyweds and their families, which was really nice. Camping with a big group is considerably less relaxing than camping with a small one but we still had a wonderful time. It's hard not to when you're surrounded by high-quality people.

I don't know how it happened so fast but suddenly it was time to go back to Bordeaux. I certainly wouldn't call my time back home a vacation but it was SO GOOD to see pretty much all of the people I miss the most. Obviously, I wish I could have spent some time in Baltimore with the crew there or even see Jason's family in Waynesboro, but it will have to wait. We'll be back home in December for the holidays, again next August, once more in December 2014 and then... We're getting married!

FAQs, about me AND France

So what's new?

I wish I had I better answer for that. Nothing, really. I have classes at Campus de Bissy through July but after that I don't really know what I'll be doing with my life. I have applied to a bunch of schools and the regional school system but I am still waiting to hear back. The system needs a copy of my diploma from Ithaca, which obviously did not make the cut of things that came to France but I'll figure it out. There are massive unknowns all up in my life right now and I am desperately trying to keep my ultra-Type-A-compulsive-planning self from imploding. I am slowly learning how to take things in stride but it has not been easy.

And on the topic of things I have to get used to, now that Jason is kind of a big deal, he has a lot more traveling lined up and I have to adjust to being by myself more often. He has been back in the US for the last couple weeks for a conference and he has his commencement ceremony tomorrow. I am not a huge fan of being alone but I know how much all of this means for his career. I am super proud of him and I am sad I can't be there for his graduation, but with only one of us really working at the moment, and wedding season coming up this summer, it was tough to justify buying another plane ticket. Oh well. I have a bottle of champagne waiting for his return on Sunday and we will both be back in the US together in August.

Speaking of Jason and weddings... aren't you guys getting married?

I guess that's typically what happens shortly after you get engaged, isn't it? Did you know that it's really hard to plan a wedding from another continent, even with a very committed team of people back home? We have made the decision to wait until we get back from this French adventure to get married. It will be nice to be able to spend some time with friends and family, both before and after the wedding rather than trying to squeeze it in to some random weekend when we're home for two seconds. Plus, all those handy kitchen appliances that people love to give as wedding gifts will not work in the outlets over here. Womp womp.

Despite the random stretches of time apart and the inherent stresses of moving to a country where you have a rudimentary command of the language, things are really great with us. This whole experience has already helped both of us grow as individuals and as a couple. I am coming to understand that the world will not end if I am not in complete control 100% of the time. Somehow, I have learned to be more self-sufficient but also how to depend on others and ask for help. Jason's big lesson is patience. Nothing goes as fast or works as immediately as he'd like but it's okay. It will happen and in the meantime, there's no use getting upset about it.

Has any of the magic of living the expat dream worn off yet?

I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but "magical" may be a bit of an exaggeration. Bordeaux is beautiful and I really like it here but living in France is not drastically different from living in the US. Biggest differences: Food is of way better quality and therefore it's better for you and somehow it's cheaper that junk food. I have amazing wine and cheese and bread within three seconds of me at any time. There are buildings here that have been around for centuries before my country was even a twinkle in our forefathers' eyes. It's amazing to be surrounded by all this history all the time but because I'm not a tourist but a resident, I look at it all with through a different lens. I am definitely taking my time and enjoying just living here, instead of running around trying to do as much as possible like I usually do when I travel.

A big thing I have noticed lately: People give way less of a shit about everything here, which is both a blessing and a curse. If someone gets upset, they'll mumble some passive aggressive remark under their breath but then move on because it's just not worth fighting about. (Except this guy. He really didn't like gays.) The French do, however, love to debate when it comes to politics and they are typically a bit more informed than the average American. I try to avoid these discussions because I am always grossly underprepared. They are also a huge fan of strikes and manifestations. They must be effective or they wouldn't happen all the time. It's slightly inconvenient when you need to get somewhere and the trains are blocked but hey. Fight for what you believe in, right?

Perhaps it's the socialism, but there just isn't the same sense of competition here as I felt in the US. I always felt like everyone back home had something to prove but here, the dream is to have an okay job and stay in it forever. It's not quite the defining factor that it is in the States. In France, your job is just that thing you do 35 hours of the week between eating baguettes and drinking coffee. I might be a bit too work-oriented to be okay with that (hence my frustration in still not having a real job) but at the same time, I appreciate their focus on family and leisure activities.

What do you miss most about the US?

I miss my rugby team a lot. I never got around to checking out the team here. For a while, I used the weather as an excuse and that it was kind of tough to get to from my old place but neither of those things are true anymore. I was also claiming that I wanted to spend more time with Jason when he got here but now that we're both a little more settled into life here, I know he would 100% support me if I wanted to go out for the team. Along those lines, I miss being physically active. I haven't put on weight or anything because I walk like a million miles a day but it's not quite the same is being fit. Skinny = out. Strong = in.

I miss having close friends. There's no substitute for time and when people have been in your life for years and watched you evolve, it's impossible to have someone new just roll in a try to fill that place. That's hard. But this is also just part of being an adult so it's not France's fault. I'm not mad at you, France!

I miss Mexican food. You just can't get it here.

Anything that you're glad to have left behind?

It was definitely time to leave my school so that worked out nicely. I very much miss having a classroom (and an income fitting of a 28-year-old with a Masters degree) but I think it was good for me to put this distance between me and what had become a negative environment. I have a chance to step back and reflect on my time in the classroom before going back and doing an even better job than before.

As much as I loved all my roommates, I am glad that it's just Jason and I for the moment. Doing other people's dishes was getting old.

Much to my surprise, I don't miss driving and I have adjusted to the random store hours. I just plan better and we all know how much I love plans. Another hidden benefit of moving to France: my relationship with my dad is the best it has been in probably 15 years. We never had huge issues or anything but I turned into an angst-ridden independent teenager and we just stopped hanging out as much as we used to. (Truth be told, I don't know why anyone hung out with me during that time. Yikes!) Once I left Rochester, we hardly ever spoke except when I was home or my parents were visiting. Now, we Google Hangout about once a week and chat like old buddies. It's AWESOME. Thank you, Google, for helping me remember how much I love my dad!

Final thoughts on France for the moment?

Even if it's not the romantic fantasy world of the silver screen, I am still feeling pretty lucky to be here. It's crazy to think how much my life has changed in the last year and despite the small hiccups here and there, I'd say it has been tremendously positive. I speak French now, which is pretty cool. No one believes that I'm French yet but they also don't automatically assume I'm American, which is a pretty huge compliment in terms of language skills. Sorry, fellow anglophones. It's not our fault the sounds in French and English are nothing alike! I feel comfortable here and that's a big hurdle to get over. It's hard to be homesick when you've made a kick-ass new home for yourself.

I live in France and it's pretty great.