The Wedding Planner

This day was nearly three years in the making. Here's how we pulled it off.

***

When I describe our first wedding, I never refer to it as an elopement, despite that being the very definition of what it was. That word always had such a shady connotation, as if you were somehow cheating yourself and others of the grand celebration that is required for such a momentous occasion. Firstly, getting married is not an accomplishment so everyone just needs to calm down about this being the most important day of your life, and secondly, the whole wedding industry is a giant racket. You want me to spend how much for five short hours of my life?? You're joking. How do I reconcile my frugal feminist spirit with my deep-seated compulsion to adhere to antiquated social norms? We eloped and caved in for a big party, mostly due to pressure from our parents, anyway.

But Nicole! It's your wedding day!
Nope. We already got married. This is their day. And I'm okay with that.

***

I am fairly organized so the idea of planning a wedding was not intimidating, especially since we had so long to do it. Every now and then, it was actually kind of nice to think about what a fun day we were going to have with all the people that we like the most. Guess who was NOT thrilled about planning our wedding. Hint: It's Jason.

They say, "If you can make it through the wedding planning process, then you can make it through anything." I used to scoff at this, imagining ourselves to be above such pettiness. We have planned week-long holidays for our friends and families on multiple occasions so we know that we make a good team. We have traveled the world together without much issue at all. Why would a wedding be any different?

It would probably be easier to list things that we didn't fight about in the process but I am going to spare you all the gory details and say that it was a challenge. I never realized how much I hated the phrase "I don't care" until recently. I understand if you don't have particular feelings one way or the other about seemingly insignificant details but if you say you don't care and then turn around and have something nasty to say about a decision I made, I am going to hurt you.

ProTip 1: Assign roles at the beginning and then trust that your partner will do a good job with whatever that task is. Only ask for their opinion if you really want it, not when you have already made a choice and you're expecting them to confirm it. If you really do want them to help you make up your mind on a particular issue and you are leaning one way or another, establish that you will listen to their feedback but that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to take their advice in the end.

I relied pretty heavily on Offbeat Bride and The Knot to help me stay on track. The Knot is basically everything I hate about weddings (making you feel shitty about your DIY decorations, convincing you that it's totally normal to spend $30K on one day, making everything an advertisement) but they had some really great organizational tools. The website builder is free and easy to use. The budget tracker gave you suggestions but allowed you to adjust them according to your needs. The planning checklist had great tips and reminders about things I totally would have forgotten about. And by far the most useful tool was the guest list feature. You have names, addresses, RSVP/ gift/thank you note status, meal preference all in one place AND a really nice seating chart application that allowed you to recreate your venue space and drag and drop your guests at tables, no complicated Post-it Notes madness needed.

*UPDATE: The Knot has since changed a lot of these tools and they are way less user friendly now. No more seating chart (but the guest list is still there), the budgeter is worthless and I don't love what they have done with the checklist. Sorry, guys.

ProTip 2: Technology is your friend. We saved a bunch of money by doing e-mail save the dates. No one needs another magnet with your face on it. Create a cloud-based shared folder for all things wedding and invite all the necessary parties (spouse to be, parents, wedding planner, etc.) We used Dropbox and it was a real life saver. Google Drive works great, too. Since we didn't want to have a bunch of physical stuff to take back to France with us, we registered at Zola. Our guests were able to contribute to different "wishes," like plane tickets home for Christmas and new home furnishings that we could then go and buy ourselves in Bordeaux. It seemed a lot nicer than just saying, "cash gifts only."

All of our big decisions had been made a long time again so in the last two months, all we had were little details to worry about. Once you have the RSVPs in hand, everything happens very quickly. You know how many tables you need so you can start doing the seating chart and getting centerpieces. The food, booze and dessert are all determined by the number of people that end up attending, as are favors, place cards and programs (if necessary).

ProTip 3: Close friends and families like to feel like they're helping. Relinquish control and find them something to do. We made place cards with Jason's family and the favors with mine and everyone was so proud to see the fruits of their labor on the big day.

Stuff for the tables. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Place cards. Thanks, Julie and Jackie!

I am an obsessive planner. I need a To-Do list with each item scheduled to the minute or I can't get anything done. If I get a little of schedule, it's okay, but having the structure is comforting to me. And I figured if I feel happy knowing exactly where I need to be and when, so will everyone else around me. Enter the wedding weekend itinerary. I had a detailed document with each event, times, the parties involved, contact information, what to bring, transportation suggestions, who was responsible for certain tasks... The whole works. It was immensely helpful. I printed copies and distributed them to all the necessary parties. I had scheduled salon appoints for my bridal party, our moms and Jason's sisters, and their stylists all had their pictures and beauty requests before they even met them so they could prepare as much as possible before the big day. Because that's how I roll.

ProTip 4: Don't feel locked in by a traditional wedding format. There are no rules to any of this. There are a lot of hot trends right now, many of which are huge money pits, but there is no reason you should feel obligated to do any of it if you don't want to. If your guests really are the most important people in your life, they are not going to give any shits if you don't have a program or giant floral centerpieces, or a signature cocktail. Welcome bags at the hotel seem like such a nice touch but when the hotel charges $12 a piece just to put them in the rooms, they start to look a lot less cute. Your guests are there to see you and to have a good time. All the rest is extra.

Since we're already married we asked my Uncle Craig to officiate the ceremony, no ordination necessary! I got a lot of inspiration here, here, and here but in the end, I trusted him to just say some nice things about us and share some personal anecdotes about the keys of a good marriage. We enlisted our siblings to do some readings that we both agreed on and we exchanged wedding bands. Doubly married!

ProTip 5: Do whatever you can to maximize time with your guests. Do pictures before the ceremony so you can get right to the party afterward. Doing rounds at tables was surprisingly difficult and time consuming. Everyone wants to see you and talk to you and ask you a million questions but you have to be diligent about moving on. We didn't get to every table because we spent too much time at some and I felt terrible about it.

ProTip 6: Have a designated drink runner. I don't think I made it back to the bar once the entire night and I would have died of thirst if Josh and Stefanie hadn't been keeping me well hydrated. Thanks, guys!

ProTip 7: Consider not just how you're getting everything to the wedding but also how you're taking it back at the end of the night. ArtisanWorks said they could keep things over the weekend but they weren't open on Sunday so if we wanted anything for the picnic the next day (leftover booze, for example) we needed to take it with us at the end of the night. This was a bit of a mess for us and we should have assigned spots in cars for things before we started drinking... Oops! I had to go back and grab a bunch of stuff on Monday when all I wanted to be doing was sleeping.

ProTip 8: If you've got a lot of dress, make sure at least a few people know how to bustle it or be able to explain it to someone. My mom was the only one who got the tutorial from the seamstress and I didn't even get to see it because I was busy wearing the dress. When it started to fall out, I was pretty useless to get it back in order. I didn't want to keep harassing her all night to come fix it and other friends offered but no one could really figure it out. I ended up carrying my train a lot. Also, think about peeing. Being a pretty pretty princess is all fun and games until you have to take a piss and half your dress ends up in the toilet and/or covered in urine.

ProTip 9: I had planned so aggressively leading up to the big day that I had nothing to worry about once it arrived. Less so for Jason, but that's okay. It all worked out in the end. Know that something will go wrong but don't let it get to you. We forgot to bring toys to give to the babysitter. I left my mini video camera batteries in the charger at the salon so we didn't have that to pass around all night. We had several no shows that we really thought were going to be there. It happens. Worry about you and your spouse having a good time and then, by default, everyone else will be happy, too.

ProTip 10: Look around you for a second. This is maybe the only time you will have all of these people in the same place at the same time. Enjoy it. They are the people you love the most in the whole world and they are all here for you and that's really awesome. Look at your spouse. Is he/she still breathing? Good. Are you? Great. Take it all in. Don't let the little moments slip away too fast.

It's your day, after all.

Honeymoon

Doing things out of order seems to be a recurring theme in our relationship: We went on our first "date" before we were dating, we got married before we had a wedding, and now, the story of the honeymoon we took before the ceremony. I guess we never have been ones for tradition. And after spending two weeks running around the Mid-Atlantic to see our families, we needed a little down time. Nothing like a road trip to recover from a road trip, am I right?

To save time and countless miles on Jason's old LeBaron, we devised a somewhat complicated plan: Fly from Baltimore to Manchester, NH (the cheapest roundtrip flight on Southwest). Rent a car from New Hampshire and drive to Burlington. From Burlington, carry on to Montreal and Quebec City before coming down through Maine and eventually back to NH. At the end of the trip, Jason would stay in Baltimore for his own bachelor party, and I would fly directly back to Rochester to start putting the final touches on things for the wedding. Ready, set, go!

Burlington, VT
We stayed at a great little AirBnB within walking distance of downtown Burlington. Our host was really friendly and left us a few local beers and some Ben and Jerry's in the fridge to welcome us. He gave us some great recommendations for stuff to do and we took full advantage of his local knowledge. Highlights include a visit to Shelburne Farms and the Magic Hat brewery, and a walk along the harbor.

Montreal
Everyone told us how amazing Montreal was so we planned to stay there for three full days and really take time to explore. We chose a cheap hotel so the neighborhood wasn't great but it was quite close to a subway stop and it seemed relatively close to other interesting things. I guess being in Europe has skewed my perception because what looked close on the map was actually worlds away. Much like most North American cities, the public transit doesn't really take you close enough to the things you want to see, requiring on average a 20-minute walk on both sides of your trip. Also, the cool European vibe that I was hoping for in a French-Canadian city was mostly absent. Aside from the fairly small old town neighborhood, Montreal looks a lot of any other big city in the world.

They take their French so seriously.

Poutine

Chinatown, where we had dinner our first night.

Schwartz's Deli. Notice how Jason's belly is already sad.

We had a lot of suggestions of places to go but almost all of them turned out to be a bit disappointing. The two famous bagel bakeries were unremarkable, Schwartz's Deli gave us the shits, which was even more insulting after we had waited in line for 45 minutes for a mediocre roast beef sandwich, and Mount Royal park was a major let down. We expected some amazing views of the city from the top and instead got this:

To be fair, in other parts of the park, you could get a nice glimpse of the city through the trees but we would never have known if we weren't just wandering around trying to find our way out of the park.

For lack of other options, we spent a day out by the Olympic stadium at the Biodome, Insectarium and Botanical Gardens. This was probably the highlight of the trip and these are not things that we typically seek out when we travel.

Holding a vinegar scorpion. It tickles!

In the end, the real thing didn't quite live up to the hype. There are some cool spots, like the seafood restaurant and cocktail bar Le Majestique and Dieu de Ciel brasserie, but they are pretty scattered around the city and annoyingly hard to get to. Sorry, Montreal. I wasn't blown away.

Quebec City
Hoping for better luck on our next destination, we headed down the road to Quebec City. Before you get to town, you pass Montmorency Falls, which are a good 30 meters higher than Niagara Falls. It's definitely worth a visit if you're passing through the area.

As we drove through downtown Quebec to our hotel, I was already struck by how European the city felt. The architecture, the little shops and tiny restaurants, the narrow streets, a formidable castle overlooking the river... It was like being back in France. This is what I was looking for!

The St. Lawrence river at dusk

Château Frontenac

Enjoying a "breuvage" at Le Lapin Sauté.

Unfortunately for us, we had only planned for one night in Quebec so we didn't get to see very much. We did catch the changing of the guard ceremony at the Citadel of Quebec, which involved guys in British-looking outfits, parading around with the goat. The view of the city from the top of the hill was incredible. I would go back to Quebec in a heartbeat.

Even the Labatt Blue labels are in French

Moosehead Lake, Maine
At this point, we were ready for a little R&R away from the hustle and bustle of the big city. We crossed back into the US to spend a few days in a cabin on the lake in the middle of nowhere. Sure, there were some other cabins around and we befriended our neighbors for a night or two, but the closest thing resembling a town was a good 20 minutes down the road. It was quiet and that was great.

He's never been happier.

One of the things Jason misses most about living back in the US is fishing. He doesn't have any of his gear here and even if he did, he doesn't have a license and doesn't know the good spots and doesn't know enough French to ask locals where they are and doesn't have a car to get there anyway. So when he asked me to pack his tackle box and fishing poles in my suitcase, I couldn't refuse. We rented a little boat and I drove him around the lake all day as he fiddled with hooks and lures and lines and worms. I couldn't care less about fishing but I love being out on the water so it was a perfect compromise. Sadly, Jason only got one bite in the 5 hours we were out on the lake and he didn't manage to reel it in but at least we got to be on a boat all day. I count it as a win.

THRILLED

When we got back to shore, Jason decided he needed to catch something, so we put in a line at the edge of the dock. Suddenly, we're ripping fish out of the water. We didn't keep any because they were teeny tiny little things but I think he was happy to have caught anything, regardless of the size.

Bar Harbor
Our final stop was a bit further south in the state, near Acadia National Park. We stayed just outside of the town of Bar Harbor (mostly because it was a lot cheaper) and drove into town to tour around and eat. We spent most of our time hiking around in the park and climbing whatever mountains were around. Before you get impressed, Bar Harbor is a big cruise ship destination so everything is very well adapted for tourists, even those with limited mobility. We ate more lobster in three days than I had eaten in the rest of my lifetime and enjoyed some truly beautiful scenery.

Right in the heart of Bar Harbor

Giant lobster dinner

Day 2 was spent walking around Acadia National Park. We started at the peak of Cadillac Mountain (the highest peak on the east coast) and took the Park Loop Road around to Bubble Pond and then over to the Great Head trail that took us by Sand Beach and Thunderhole.

On our last full day, we grabbed a nice BBQ and beer lunch at Atlantic Brewing, before trekking up Flying Mountain, and then we checked out a lighthouse, since that is apparently the thing to do in Maine.

With our bellies full of lobster, we drove back down to New Hampshire to catch our flight back to Baltimore. Paul came to pick up Jason and Rick, who had flown all the way from Bordeaux for Jason's bachelor party and to be in the wedding the following weekend.

I waited for my flight back to Rochester and had the pleasure of chatting with a former student from Renaissance Academy who works at the airport. He kept me company for the whole 2+ hours of my layover and it was so SO good to see him and catch up. He has a little girl that he loves more than anything and he is so WOKE. He knows that he could have easily ended up on the path that many of his friends chose but he wants better for himself and his family. I couldn't be prouder of the man he has become. It was the perfect ending to an excellent trip.

And now it's time to get married. Again.