I know, Louis CK, I know. I guess more accurately I am an an impasse and I am mistaking my rut-induced frustration for boredom. Here's what's up:
I have been doing a pretty lamentable job of posting lately, in part due to being more busy than I was before the holidays, but mostly because things have just been pretty boring. It has been in the 40s and rainy pretty much every day for the last month and that puts a real cramp in my street-wandering exploration style. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning when you know you're going to be cold and wet all day. My little umbrella was simply no match for the torrential downpours that are common in the afternoons and it certainly was not meant to stand up to the gale force winds that struck last week. I finally caved and bought a legit parapluie that springs open with a push of a button. I'm fancy like that.
Jason got his PhD (YAYAYAYAY!) but now there's this awkward couple of weeks for revision, publishing, packing, and all the other little things that have to happen before you move out of the country. This was expected, but it doesn't make it any less annoying that he's done and he's still not going to get here for another month.
In my search for a new place to live, I am growing ever more anxious to get out of my current apartment. I am tired of these paper-thin walls that allow me to hear every thrust of the rogering the girl upstairs is getting, I am tired walking through the unpredictable but always overbearing stenches of the first floor, I am tired of paying 500€ a month for this one-room monochromatic existence. It's time to go.
I am frustrated with my social situation. Remember freshmen year of college when you befriended the first people you saw because you were just so desperate to not have to eat at the dining hall alone? You stayed up all night laughing at old movies, you probably had that "deep conversation" about how color doesn't actually exist and my perception of red might be different from yours, and you cried when summer break came around, knowing you wouldn't see each other for a whole 3 months. But then remember how you got back for sophomore year and you didn't talk to 90% of those people again because you realized they were crazy? That's what I feel like right now.
I feel like I went away for the holidays, spent time with people that I am actually good friends with, and realized that my relationships here are so... unfulfilling. Of the two and only two people I would consider my friends (not friends of friends or classmates or acquaintances), one of them loves to go out but kinda hulks out after a few drinks, and the other is a teetotaling powder keg of emotion that will up and leave in an angry huff at the drop of a hat. I am too old for the drama! And it is literally every week that we go through the song and dance of "Oh... was I being ridiculous? I'm really sorry. I promise I will never do it again." I know I am just enabling their poor behavior but the only other option is to spend every day alone. I keep talking about joining the damn rugby team and I keep coming up with a million excuses to not go and do it but it's starting to get to a point where I will literally go crazy if I don't find some new people to hang out with. Make the phone call, get on the bus and go.
I feel stuck in terms of my "place" here. I cannot stay at Campus Bissy and Babylangues for two years. I am trying to figure out some kind of more permanent employment but it's not going as smoothly as I had hoped. I just don't even know where to begin. Last weekend, I met a bunch of the people that Jason will be working with and while they are all super friendly, they are all married with multiple children. It made me feel really young but not exactly in a good way. I know Jason and I are not there yet but it was the first time I have been in a group of my "peers" and felt like a little kid.
Ugh. Time for wine.
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