Having spent the year before in Europe, Jason was determined to never miss Christmas at home again. Although I don't necessarily share his enthusiasm, I can certainly understand why he has it. The Bayer Family Christmas is quite a production. It's starts the day after Thanksgiving with a family trip to the Christmas tree farm to select the perfect 7-foot fir to grace the living room. Julie scours the attic for her favorite home decorations, including stockings (hung by the chimney with care), hand towels, snow globes, window decals, and festive centerpieces. Jay assembles his "Christmas village" on the roll top desk, displaying several wind-up music boxes, singing ornaments and light-up miniature cottages. Christmas music fills the house at all times, as does the smell of baked goods and roasted meats. It is the embodiment of the Christmas spirit, but with way more scented candles.
Meanwhile, Stich Family Christmas is the polar opposite. As a Jehovah's Witness, my mother doesn't celebrate any religious holidays or birthdays so definitely not Jesus's ("alleged!") birthday. My dad puts the light up reindeer in the yard and might blow the dust off our 15" fiberoptic tree before plunking it on top of the coffee table. On Christmas day, we do a mid-afternoon meal of baked ham, canned corn, garlic mashed potatoes and fruit salad at a member of the Stich family's house, where all the aunts, uncles and cousins stop by. The family is bigger and bigger every year so we have a bunch of tables in different rooms since no one table is big enough for us all. After lunch, we play a few rounds of euchre, maybe some Apples to Apples and call it a day. The rest of the evening is yours to do with what you want: usually a screening of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (because we can relate), a couple of beers during whatever sporting event happens to be on TV, and everyone passed out on the couch by 10:00.
In Waynesboro, Christmas itself spans several days, not just the 25th, and your presence is strongly encouraged at all times. If you miss even a few hours of family Christmas week, to say, read a book, everyone will wonder why you wouldn't rather spend that time with the family. Stockings and presents are opened one by one so everyone can see what you got and you can ooh and ahh over each gift. Giving gifts out of turn or when someone else is already opening a gift is frowned upon. Stockings are stuffed with little knick knacks (emergency phone chargers, mini tools, glasses cleaning cloths, sample packs of assorted medicines and, of course, lotto tickets) but the real gifts are extremely thoughtful, often having been purchased months in advance or hand made. Everyone sits down at one table for a formal meal of prime rib, steamed vegetables, mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry relish, fresh baked rolls and a seemingly endless selection of pies/cookies/cakes/candies for dessert. After dinner, the whole family gathers in the living room to play some music and sing songs. Everyone has plenty to drink as we stay up until the wee hours of the morning.
In Rochester, total "formal" family time is approximately 4 hours and because more and more of us are getting married and sharing holidays, it means that not everyone can make it for the event. This often means making multiple trips throughout the week to various places to try to see everyone. Rochester is not a very big city but it does take about 20-30 minutes to get anywhere from anywhere else, more if the weather is bad, as it often is. Since many of my friends are still in town, they get added to the list of people to see, making for even more running around. Gift giving is mostly a thing of the past unless you happened to find something you thought the recipient might really need/love while you were sprinting through the mall on Christmas Eve. It is not uncommon to give someone a gift and get nothing in return. Gift giving is done without fanfare and sometimes the giver isn't even present when you open it. We typically see the Reed side of the family on New Year's Day for a pretty similar event: Pizza and wings, drinks, sports, kids running around, everyone talking at once, no gifts.
In a side by side comparison, Christmas in Rochester appears pretty uneventful and for someone who is accustomed to a straight week of full on family time, it can seem like a bit of a waste to go all that way for something so brief. But brevity and lack of pomp and circumstance do not make family time any less special to me. Since most of my family is still in Rochester, we have the unique opportunity to not need to jam a year's worth of family time into one week. We have the 3rd of July at Conesus Lake and Thanksgiving and Easter and pretty much any weekend could be turned into a big family party with a little planning. But with us being so far away, we don't get to participate in any of those gatherings, making Christmas the best option I've got.
Jason struggles to see it this way. When we discussed our plans to go home for the holidays, he automatically assumed that meant to Waynesboro, not even considering Rochester because Christmas just "isn't a big deal" for my family. I agree that we don't have all the glitz and glamor of a Waynesboro Christmas, and certainly not the longevity, but that doesn't mean it's just another day. It's a time when most people can get off work to come hang out, ourselves included. While our traditions have shifted slightly in the last few years, it's still just as meaningful to be there, knowing that my aging grandparents don't have many Christmases left with is. Maybe we don't spend all day cooking or all year buying gifts but isn't the most important thing to be together, even if only briefly?
With so many different family members (~20 people these days), finding even an afternoon to get everyone in the same place can be a little tricky, especially during a holiday when everyone's presence is shared across multiple families but we have found a way to make it work. Jason's family consists of 4 people that live within 30 minutes of each other, 4 more that live about 3 hours away and the two of us. If we had to organize a gathering on a day other than Christmas it wouldn't be so hard, with a small amount of advanced planning.
This was the discussion we found ourselves in this year when we were trying to make plans for the holidays. I wish I could say talks went civilly, but it's tough not to be emotional about family matters. The thought of celebrating Christmas on a day other than December 25th was downright insulting to Jason and met with "Yeah, we'd be together, but it wouldn't be Christmas." Expressing that I still cared about my family despite such a short celebration received a curt "But you don't DO anything." Finally, I suggested an alternating schedule: One year in Rochester, the next in Waynesboro with this argument" "I know how important Christmas is to you and your family and it's the same for me so the thought of never seeing my family AGAIN on Christmas breaks my heart. Couldn't we split it up?" When he realized he would get to see his family every year, just maybe not on Christmas day, this seemed to relieve some of his stress, although I could tell he felt like he was making this huge sacrifice for something so "trivial." I must admit, my feelings were more than a little hurt but in the end, we both agreed it was the best option. And since we had Christmas in Waynesboro the last time, it was Christmas in Rochester this year!
It unfolded exactly as it always does: a meal with family, driving back and forth across the city to meet up with people, beers at the house on the couch and plenty of time to do our own thing. We headed down to Waynesboro on the 27th and everything was exactly as it would have been if we were there for Christmas day. Big meal, 24/7 family time, games, music, drinks, plus party hopping for NYE. We still got to see everyone, we still got to eat all the Christmas foods, we still got to exchange gifts for several hours and, unsurprisingly, it was not the end of the world. In fact, it was lovely. There were just as many tears when we left both families but everyone was already excited to do it again the next year.
So what did we learn from all this? That Christmas just as much a feeling as it is a day. That there is no substitute for family, regardless of the amount of time spent together or the number of presents exchanged. That bringing two families together means compromising and sometimes not getting your way, but also becoming part of new traditions and learning about each other. Most importantly, we learned that it's hard being far away but that just makes it all the more special when we do get to come home.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
